A Prospector's Reward

Valued readers,

I have returned from my tour of duty and am already back in the States. The ten bushels I was promised? Haven't seen a kernel. I'm not sure if I even heard a thank you. Probably what I had coming, I guess, I mean I only led my battalion through a snake-infested river in the dead of night under a hail of mortar and sniper fire after we lost all our supplies when a rocket-propelled grenade struck our supply wagon while we were negotating a precarious mountain path peppered with camouflaged jihadists armed to the teeth with semi-automatic rifles and hand grenades. Anyone could have done it, right? I watched men die. I held a young man in my arms until the life faded from his eyes. And then after we crossed the river and mountain and made it to the ol' windmill, can you guess what we found? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not even an explanation of why there was nothing. The remainder of my squad were air-lifted out and I was sent home. Now I demand satisfaction! I will not rest until I receive the bushels of corn I was promised! That damn American government broke its promise to me, and I demand satisfaction! There ought to be some sort of organization that oversees the government's promises to its military volunteers, some sort of... committee... of... reliable negotiations. I will try to think of something we could call this organization, but in the meantime, I want you, my valued readers, to spread the word for me! We will receive these bushels of corn, and it will not only be a victory for prospectors across the nation, but for humans and donkeys across the globe!

So get it while it's corn,

The Prospector

Corn is patient, corn is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is easily angered, it keeps all record of wrongs.
Corn does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always prospects, always trusts, always hopes, always has preservatives.
-- 1 Cornthians 13:4-7

My Most Recent Exploits

Valued readers,

Again it has been too long that I updated, and I apologize. But I am too excited to dwell upon that at this time! I have news so exciting I cannot write it fast enough! Due to a shortage in volunteers, the United States military has decided to enlist the help of old-time prospectors in Afghanistan in its search for Osama bin Laden. Naturally, they turned to me first. Being out of work from the most recent shortage of corn, I was happy to accept the job, as they promised me ten bushels upon my return. I was immediately dispatched to a military base just outside of Isfahan where I got to meet with my squadron. I had no idea at the time, but our first meeting was recorded on one of those fancy image-recording devices! Don't know how they work, but they sure are amazing! If you folks want to see me take control of my squadron and whip them into cornhuskin' shape, then look no further! Just click on the funky words below and you can see me in all of my prospectin' glory.

http://www.killsometime.com/Video/Video.asp?ID=555

That's me! I'm the one in the back with the pickaxe and the pots and pans. I'm happy for all of you corn-lovers to finally be able to put a face with the blog.
But anyway, that is what I have been up to and I again apologize for the delay in writing. I'm being dispatched tomorrow to lead my squadron over the Amu Darya river, through the Koh-e Baba mountains, and past the ol' Mazari Sharif windmill. I'm not sure where we're going; I was only hired for my pathfinding/prospecting abilities. Wish me luck, readers! I will update as soon as I can.

Corn to be wild,

The Prospector

We can climb so high,
I never wanna die,
Corn to be wild.
Corn to be wild.

An Exciting Prospect

Valued readers,

I issue my sincerest apologies to those readers who have been faithfully checking for updates on the Corn Hub the past two weeks only to be severely disappointed in finding nothing new. This I cannot help. With the heart of a true prospector, I always put corn first. Often, this means that my job supersedes my journalistic obligations, and I am forced to delay my address. This has been the case the past two weeks. I received a phone call from my good friend, Dawn Keye in the early hours of the 25th of October about an exciting new prospect in the hills of southern Virginia: There was corn, and plenty of it. So I hopped on the nearest train and rode down to investigate, meeting up with Dawn at the train station in southeastern Lunenburg. We immediately set out in search of corn, and were apparently not the first to do so. The hills were crawling with prospectors of all different sorts from all across the land. I met one man from San Angelo, Texas, who was a former colonel in the United States army who told me he had seen this before, and that it was unlikely to end well. Not long after Dawn and I began gathering baskets of corn (we had time to collect two apiece), things got out of hand. Overcrowding led to disputes over whose corn was whose, disputes led to violence, and violence led to chaos. Pickaxes were flying through the air like birds. Angry, murderous birds. Corn itself was being flung through the air... corn! A weapon! Donkeys were being used as meat shields. It was prospector against prospector, and was one of the worst sights my eyes have ever beheld. Folks, I want you to know, this is not the true spirit of prospecting, and I am deeply saddened by what has happened. Dawn and I returned to our homes the following morning after spending a night drinking our sorrows away at the Corner Bar.
So that is where I have been these past two weeks. Hopefully I will be able to update more frequently in the future, but as I said, corn will always come first. I hope my most recent experiences are not a reflection of a faltering prospecting community, but I urge you to keep corn and those who dedicate their lives to its service in your prayers.

With a corn cob pipe and a button nose,

The Prospector

Prospector prospector
prospector prospector
prospector prospector
prospector corn.

An Intro to Corn

Valued readers,

Welcome to my first post on the Corn Hub! As you are here, I am to assume that you share my interest for and love of the miraculous vegetable known as corn. What a great vegetable! There's nothing better than coming home from a long, hard day at work to find a nice big steaming bowl of corn on the kitchen table. There's nothing more satisfying than emerging from a long day in the mountain mines, basket of solid gold corn in hand. There's nothing quite so grand as the satisfaction that comes from growing not only a tasty and nutritious vegetable, but also a true friend, one who knows only the meanings of loyalty and palatability. But I know you need no further convincing from me; you are here, afterall. So then let this be a place for us to come together and share our love of corn, to embrace our corn brothers and sisters and to put corn above all else. Now you may have heard that this was not my design as a true supporter of corn. You may, in fact, have heard that I begat this forum as a challenge to the accusations that I had neither the scrotum nor the testicles to do so. Alas, I say with grave affliction, there will always be those who seek the belittlement of our kind and our way of life. Yet we must endure, as it is what corn would have us do. But I digress. Let us not even discuss the haters on this sacred ground, but corn and corn alone! To conclude my first post, let me give you something to ponder for the upcoming election: http://pictures.thaindian.com/d/3065-2/Barack-Obama-82477938.jpg. As evidenced by this picture, the choice is not a hard one to make.

With all the warmth in my heart,

The Prospector

Prospector, prospector
Cornin' all the time
Prospector, prospector
Corn all day long